The Only Review You’ll Ever Need of Blade: The Series (Part 4 of 5)

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Recap #2 for those who are keeping score. Blade is a low-budget version of Batman except that Blade uses weapons whereas Batman uses his brain. While Batman is considered by many to be the world’s greatest detective, Blade can’t find his evil-doer until he publishes his evil plans on the cover of a magazine. Batman has an elaborate mansion, yacht and underground crime fighting headquarters. Blade lives underground in some grandmother’s basement with a broken down laptop and a Radio Shack security system. Batman has the crime fighting help of his trusty butler Alfred (who was a bit of a butt kicker in his day) and Robin the Boy Wonder. Blade has hired his real estate agent to keep an eye on his basement and is following around the sole survivor of the Wonder Twins in the hopes of finding that ever-elusive Colonel Mustard card.

Batman has the Batmobile. The very name Batmobile sends shivers down the spine. Blade has the Blademobile, which elicits laughter, and a small amount of pity when it pulls up to a stoplight and sputters likes a broken lawnmower. Batman has a utility belt that is the envy of even Superman. Blade has strapped bits of junk from an Ace Hardware store to his shirt. Batman has a Batsuit that is a modern armored shell. Stylish, elegant and functional the Batsuit is the epitome of engineering and crime fighting. Blade dresses with gothic Garanimals. Batman has the Bat signal that strikes fear into the heart of all criminals and joy in the hearts of the citizens of Gotham. Blade has a broken flashlight.

Batman is the symbolic representation of a modern day Knight questing for the ideals that will bring about a justice, honor and peace. Prepared to ride to the defense of the fair damsel Gotham on a moments notice, Batman stands vigilant and ever ready to deliver swift justice. Blade has a broken flashlight.

Back to the TiVo we go.

We’re treated to a low camera angle of the bad guy’s spider lair from earlier in the show. The bad guy has strapped bums to the rafters upside down to make things easier on his still unseen giant spider. The bad guys staff is using cattle prods to shock the bums for their amusement. All in all not a bad way to pass the day if you happen to work for the bad guy. I can attest that it sounds mildly more interesting than spending your time in a 7-foot square cubicle made from a material that derives its colors from a historical retrospective of various bodily fluids. They drag one of the bums off.

Jayna goes back to the webmaster’s house. This time he is dressed properly instead of looking like Mr. Rogers retarded brother. However, he is so busy getting sloshed on Canadian Mist that he can’t really do more than tell her about his kids or something. She listens to his inane ramblings far longer than I can as I start checking what is on other channels. Flipping back, we finally see her asking how she can find Blade. I guess she has noticed that he has been following her for days. Hint: use the rear view mirror.

I was beginning to wonder but maybe she has noticed. Webmaster pulls out some newspaper clippings from a scrapbook. The part that makes me confused is that if she was able to find webmaster with a Google search, why doesn’t she just Google up Blade? Oh well, that wouldn’t be nearly as interesting and its for darn sure that the nearly illiterate Blade would not have anything on his website except a looping midi file, the graphic of a giant traffic cone and the under construction banner that pollutes half the Internet. It would probably have popups too. When does this hardcore webmaster find time to put together a Blade scrapbook?

Jayna has both gone native and carjacked someone or has a rental from the same place that Blade got his bike. She tools up in her new ride, makes sure she has bullets and starts wandering around the location mentioned in the newspaper article that webmaster had in his personal Blade scrapbook. For someone that didn’t think twice about leaping into a crack house earlier, she sure looks like she’s going to crap her pants now.

Skulking about in the place, she practices her CSI poses and starts wandering around. The place is pretty much urban decay at its finest. She gets bored with her police poses and drops her guard. That gives Blade the opening he needs and he sneaks up on her with his patented Blade sneak. He warns her to leave town again but she refuses. She really wants to find her brother’s killer and she is sure that Blade knows the answer. Of all the things that I would expect Blade to have, an answer isn’t one of them. Then out of nowhere, she asks him for a Coors Light. Look around lady, do you see a refrigerator?

Getting bored, Blade uses his T-Mobile headset to call his real estate agent. He’s highly unamused to discover that Blade is hanging out with some reject from the Super Friends.

Bad guy must be celebrating National Pizza Month but with his own evil flair. He’s making some kind of crazy garlic concentrate that is so potent it dissolves people. I hate to tell bad guy, but it’s darn hard to get repeat business if you dissolve your customers. Maybe he is planning to ship it to his competition so their pizzas are the ones to dissolve people while his pizza will be safe. Dastardly, but then again that’s why he’s the evil genius and not the guy with the broken flashlight.

Blade has taken Jayna to the Blade Cave. Not that she couldn’t have found it near the stairs, but he took her nevertheless. He’s showing off by hacking up the leftover shop dummies while Jayna watches with a mixed series of emotions ranging from ostentatious confusion to outright pity. Blade gives those plastic symbols of capitalism the sound and vigorous thrashing they deserve. Blade has also managed to cobble together his own Blade-a-rang out of what looks like a stack of Pogs and the middle of one of those spinning hubcaps. It messes up a plastic dummy real good.

Jayna starts walking around the Blade Cave inspecting the crime fighting gear. First she sees a souped up cow milker. Lord knows what kind of crime Blade fights with that – maybe osteoporosis? Then she finds a chromed up super soaker and kind of has a hard time not laughing at Blade and his real estate agent. She does a pretty good job of not chuckling. Blade gives her a second rate RFID chip to keep track of her. I kind of nodded off for a second, but the agent is talking Jayna into going to the house of the “Thong” which has to be a hot strip club. It seems that Spike TV may not disappoint after all.

Jayna wanders into a gallery. What the heck is this? Where is the brass poles and strobe lights? What a load. Now Jayna is talking with the bad guy whom we haven’t seen in about an hour. He is chatting her up so maybe he’s planning some more target practice. They exchange names and stuff. Then bad guy tells her that he knows who she is, telling her that he killed her brother and pointing out his bad guy posse in case she wants to go 10 rounds. Needless to say, she gets hostile quick and runs to her rental car where she grabs a spare rifle she lifted from Blade. Blade watches this through the RFID chip or something. She leaves him a headphone so she can talk to him while she tries to shoot him.

Blade hops his motorcycle and rides so he can catch up with her but he is too slow. She makes the classic mistake of talking to the bad guy so long that his posse climbs up the stairs of the next building and gives her a good smacking around. Blade shows up and finds his RFID chip and gets mad because he is still making payments on that rifle and its his last one.

Bad guy decides to make this interesting by taking the unconscious Jayna back to bad guy headquarters and shooting her full of the same dope that the detective tried to blame her brother for. Of course, she passes out and bad guy does the bad guy thing by tossing her doped up body off of his building. Splat goes the weasel.

Suddenly, her corpse ends up in a bag in the coroner’s inbox. Way to go! Now Blade will be back to looking for clues the old-fashioned way. Looks like Blade’s up the creek without his sword and I’m about two six-packs from being able to finish watching this show. For a Shaft meets Batman styled detective, this Blade fellow is about as dense as my mother in laws fruitcake. And trust me, after a decade of metallurgical chemistry I know density. If the US armed forces could get the mother-in-law to do to steel what she does to wheat, no tank in our arsenal would ever fall prey to even the most dastardly of explosives. You know how fast food French fries (I know I’m supposed to call the Freedom Fries) never rot? You ever find on under your car seat and you know it’s like ten years old but it still looks like the day it was made? Forget being in awe about Egyptian mummies, this stuff will out last even the vaunted toaster pastry and nuclear Armageddon. I don’t want to be embalmed when I die, I want to be battered up and deep fried – that way I’ll never rot no matter what. Screw formaldehyde – a 1$ bucket of McDonalds finest and viola – I’m good for centuries.

Anyway, Blade is apparently at the end of the detective spectrum that is occupied by Inspector Clouseau on a bad day. Actually, I take that back, Inspector Clouseau had disguises, Blade doesn’t even change clothes. Inspector Clouseau solved crimes, albeit accidentally. Blade apparently occupies the end of the spectrum by himself minus the pointy hat. With his one chance at a clue now dead, Blade is left to wander around at chit chat with his real estate agent.

On screen, we’re treated to some kind of MTV Video about Jayna’s life. In my living room I’m treated to the fast forward button and a fresh silver bullet. Whooo! Let the entertainment commence.

Looks like bad guy wasn’t such a wizard and the coroner is a bit of a dolt himself. Egads, is everyone in this town taking stupid pills? Jayna unzips her body bag and takes off before anyone can realize that she’s missing. Maybe her superpowers weren’t limited to turning into pointless inanimate objects after all. Of course, its raining outside so score one for the Spike TV crew. However, wait; just to add some suspense, bad guy picks her up at the coroner’s office. Either he’s not nearly as lame a villain as we started out with, or he covers his bases carefully. I know if I ever launch a plan to take over the world (or my zip code) I won’t toss people off the buildings without a spotter to ensure a proper landing. Point well taken Spike TV, point well taken.

Let us grab a fresh 6-pack and meet back here in a few minutes!

write by Nicole Putt

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