Get Over Approach Anxiety, But Don’t Leave Her With Departure Anxiety

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In the aviation world, that relatively brief time when the plane is descending to its destination is generally called “approach”. The time right after you take off is called “departure”.

Well, in the world of relating to women, we’ve got something called the “approach” also, of course. With it often comes “approach anxiety”.

But did you know that women actually experience what could be considered the mirror image of approach anxiety?

Call it “departure anxiety”.

And YOU could be causing women to feel this all the time–probably without even realizing it’s going on.

This weekend, a guy flew here to San Antonio for the Ten-Plus Live experience. As always, it was an intense 36 hours or so.

Now like so many readers of this newsletter are, my friend who came to visit is not exactly a “basket case” when it comes to women. In fact, he’s already pretty good with women.

What sets him apart is that he is interested in going from GOOD to GREAT with women.

He wanted to tighten up his already solid day game, and with it his ability to approach any woman he wanted to…regardless of location.

So one of the things we did was go to a few men’s stores to see if we could sharpen up our style as well as our game.

In one such store we went in, we invited gal named Jackie Jo to help us. Jackie Jo was one of those amazing women who is uniquely beautiful on the outside, and even more so AFTER you started talking to her.

She was one of those gems who proves to skeptics that there really still are feminine women with good character in North America.

She was proper, tasteful and professional.

I had my friend introduce himself and do what it took to build a conversation and start igniting femininity. Within a half-minute, Jackie Jo was laughing, touching his arm and holding shirts up to him to see how they look…nodding her approval.

“OK, well I’ve got to go”, my friend said.

“Um…bye. You guys have a nice day”, she said in a mellifluous, feminine tone that can only be described as “radio voice”. She looked like she was waving goodbye to a loved one who was going off to war.

Next it was off to a massive, two story Border’s bookstore. We identified a very cute brunette perusing the audiobook section.

After some pre-game conversation on the matter, my friend introduced himself. He did everything right. The woman was enchanted, even leaning in to be closer to him when he was helping her find what she was looking for.

Amazingly, another guy who had been lurking around had rolled his eyes and slipped away from the scene shaking his head shortly after my friend approached the woman. Clearly he had been gathering his nerve to do the same, but had failed to deploy.

But my friend was Murphy’s Law personified at that moment. The bright-eyed woman he was bantering with was already loving every minute of it.

“Alright, well…I need to get back to my friends”, my friend said.

I saw a bewildered look on the woman’s face as he walked away.

I also couldn’t help but think maybe somebody should go find the other guy and tell him he still had a chance.

Now my friend was flying out the next day, of course, so he wasn’t about to position himself for some sort of long-term relationship or something.

But he was really starting to get the hang of initiating conversations with women and igniting femininity. So much so that I recommended he start telling these women that he was from out of town at the end of his conversations with them, and getting their Facebook IDs so they would at least know he approved of them.

Later on last night (or earlier this morning, really), the true gravitas of what was repeatedly occurring before our very eyes culminated in an interaction my friend had with yet another woman I suggested he talk to right before the club we were at closed.

It was 1:55 am, and my friend by now had made massive progress. There had been virtually zero negative experiences all weekend with women, and he had dropped all the “openers” and was simply walking up to women and introducing himself to them.

This last woman, however, blew the lid off.

Up walks my friend, and within thirty seconds you would have thought he’d dropped an M-80 in her Coors Light. Her femininity had been ignited like a Roman candle almost immediately.

Her smiling gave way to glowing. Her light kino gave way to bringing her other friend into the conversation and clearly hinting at a threesome.

I promise I am not making this up. And it was 1:59 am when I looked at my watch at this point. All of four minutes had passed.

The club’s house lights went on.

My friend hadn’t really selected these women, remember. It had been my suggestion that he work in one more interaction before the night was done.

And hey, he had an early flight in the morning. Frankly, he was more interested in breaking down the entire Ten-Plus Live experience over “breakfast” next than taking these two women to his hotel anyway.

He wished the women well, and as soon as he had safely turned his back they BOTH literally held out their arms as if to say “Don’t LEAVE us!”. One even mouthed the word, “Noooo!” as she did so.


My first thought upon getting the story after the fact was, “OK, one very good reason to go ahead and approach a woman is because you never know when one may have just broken up with a boyfriend and is ready for instant ‘revenge sex’.”

The first woman had just been dumped by her boyfriend earlier in the night, and her friend had been cool enough to go get her and take her out for a drink before the bars closed. You know, to take her mind off things.

I’d seen enough. I told my friend that no matter what, forevermore, when he meets a woman he’s got to give her some sign of approval at the end of a positive interaction with her.

And so should YOU.

Whether it’s the bookstore or a club, once you approach a woman-and she likes you-YOU ARE IN CONTROL.


Essentially, if you express enough initial interest in a woman to approach her, things go well, and then you DON’T DO ANYTHING TO FURTHER THE CONVERSATION at the end, guess what?


Think of it as “Departure Anxiety”, like I said.

It causes the EXACT SAME FEELING you get when a woman rejects you.

Let’s say you approach, and she ACTUALLY LIKES YOU. Hey, women really, truly WANT TO MEET A GREAT GUY as much as you want to meet a great woman.

It’s not like you’re inconveniencing her or something by being a great guy who showed up and made her feel like a woman.

But I think some of us guys get to the “tipping point” in such conversations and we FAIL TO DEPLOY.

And I’d say that doing so at that point is probably more damaging than failing to deploy before even approaching.

How’s that?

Well, at least the guy who walked away shaking his head at Borders never got around to making a woman feel rejected.

When you end the conversation flatly, she goes and looks herself in the mirror wondering what in the world she could have possibly done to mess things up for herself.

It’s true.

Guys, if you approach a woman and she actually appears to enjoy the conversation, is laughing and enjoying herself, and actively participating in the conversation, LET HER KNOW you liked talking to her.

AND…give her the chance to continue that conversation with you.

Yeah, I know that’s right where the “chips are down” and it’s easy to flake out.

But I promise she hasn’t been toying with you. Get her number. Get her e-mail. Get her Facebook ID. Whatever.

And when you get that information, USE IT. Don’t stare at the phone and wuss out when it’s time to call.

Anytime you choose not to continue an apparently enjoyable conversation, the woman will FEEL REJECTED.

Seriously, “rejection” is not a gender-specific feeling.

And if you’re not going to want to make friends with her if you like her, DON’T APPROACH HER to begin with.

Either that, or tell her the valid reason why you won’t. (e.g. You’re leaving town tomorrow and were simply enjoying the conversation with her, etc.)

The tone of how a relationship is going to go with a particular woman is set from the very moment you begin to interact with her.

If you’ve shown initiative and leadership while making her feel comfortable and casual in your presence, she’s probably loving it.

When you make a bold move to continue the interaction, she is left to EXPECT that you will CONTINUE demonstrating that you’re a man of character who does what he says he will.

It’s the RIGHT WAY to build a solid first impression with a woman. But the key is that you’ve got to LEAD. You’ve got to follow through when you approach, and again when it’s time to get in touch later.

Otherwise, “departure anxiety” leaves her wondering what she did wrong…when it might have been nothing.

write by cook

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